You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
