maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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