4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
