I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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