Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
