Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
