all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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