What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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