matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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