I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
