I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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