I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
