that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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