Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Randomize
