whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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