And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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