I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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