I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
