omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize