I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
