You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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