I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize