last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I need water and some morals
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