he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
