Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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