I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
