If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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