I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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