At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
