Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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