i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm like, not good at living.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
