I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
