today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
