The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
