just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
