Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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