Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
How external is "for external use only"?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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