What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
