If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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