Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
