We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
