I wannas sexs uuuuu
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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