god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Randomize
