it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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