The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
