i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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