You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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