Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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