I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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