next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
