What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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