i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
