Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
