the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
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