just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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