Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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