the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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