Someone shit on the floor
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
