Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
