Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
