I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize