I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize