I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
