sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
